The Do’s and Dont’s of a Great Pub
The Do’s and Don’ts of a great pub
In 1946 George Orwell published his famous essay on the fictional Moon under Water in the Evening Standard. Ever since then thousands have attempted to take up the challenge and share their views of their ideal pub.
Following a 33-year career in the beer industry I have decided to offer up my own Do’s and Don’ts of a great pub. The wonderful thing about this, is it is so subjective, that no one will probably agree with me. Much more likely is that people will violently disagree
Do Be Inclusive
A great pub treats us all as equal. It’s a home for nomadic spirits, where you should never be lonely. It should draw its custom from all walks of life and straddle the generations. A great pub should be within fifteen minutes of work or home. It should act as a counter point to an increasingly solitary life in a post-pandemic world.
Don’t Have Carpets
Unlike Mr Spoons and his weird fascination for carpet design, I hate them in a pub. They easily become dirty and permeate a stale boozy odour, peppered with unidentifiable crumbs. I want slate or stone, or lots of wooden floors in my great pub.
Do Be Individual
Ambience is probably the most difficult category to address, as it is so personal. I think deep down we all crave a desire for community spirit when we visit a great pub. I don’t want a ‘identikit flat pack pub’. I want it to give you a warm embrace the minute you open the door. To celebrate its time worn shabbiness and to revel in its individuality, with all its wonderful idiosyncrasies. It needs to have a distinct personality, a beating heart, and a sense of stubbornness.
Do Focus on Beer
For any great pub this will be the most important item that you sell. I choose not to enter the debate about beer styles – Big Beer versus Small Beer – it has been well covered for years now.
My only ask is that the range in a great pub reflects what the customer wants. Don’t sell them what you want instead. Less will always best, nothing worse for beer than low throughputs, stale beer hanging around in a soulless beer line, feeding on bacteria. Pay as much attention to pouring a beer as you do to a cocktail. I once watched a bar person in a swanky bar make a perfect Mojito, and then breathe in a pint glass and dry it with a dish towel.
Do Employ Professionals
Serving in a bar should be seen as a notable profession, a pillar of society chosen to serve their community. I was once in a bar in New York where one solitary guy ran the whole show serving at least a hundred customers. He constantly maintained eye contact, always knew who was next to be served, could remember huge orders, all delivered with a twinkling smile. I found it a thing of joy to watch him at his work, poetry in motion. Running the bar is not for amateurs or introverts, let them look after the tables.
Also let me throw this into the mix, denim and leather aprons are naff and calling the bar person a beer mongerer just wrong. Thankfully peak hipster appears to have passed.
Don’t Have Menus on Tables
I don’t want my table covered in plastic menus and special offers (Yes, Mr Martin you again). They simply get in the road. The greatest pub crime ever, is when your server puts the menu under their armpit. I want the menu in my great pub to be displayed for all to see in its full glory on a chalkboard, updated with someone with great calligraphy skills. Items on the menu should be described by no more than four words, anything else is unnecessary.
Do Use Proper Plates
I don’t want food on a piece of slate or a wooden board, the relentless disguise of marking up a premium. I don’t want my chips in a cup with a wheelbarrow of tomato sauce. You really don’t need to deconstruct it and put it all back together again on a tree stump. I like Russian dolls, but don’t serve my soup in it. All I would like in my great pub is a circular white plate or bowl.
Don’t Use Adjectives and Animals and Hipster language
When I worked for a major brewery, every metaphoric pub was called the Dog and Duck. Then a sinister trend emerged of combining odd adjectives with random animals. So, we ended up with the Randy Squirrel or the Moody Badger. It really is a practice that has run out of steam and needs to stop. (Hopefully along with painting the exterior of pubs grey).
Do Serve Dogs
As a dogophile it goes without saying I believe that all great pubs should allow dogs. You should be able to bring your pooch in to sit beside you either indoors or outdoors. Even better if the staff provide a bowl of water and treats. However, the dog must behave, three woofs and they are out.
Do have two doors
The door of a pub is important as it is the entry point to the joyful experience. For me in a great pub you never know what type of person is coming through the door next. In fact, you can make a game out if it, and even gamble if that is your thing.
A wise industry stalwart once told me that a pub should always have two doors. Essential to provide an exit for customers if their partner came looking for them, or an important escape route for the publican if someone they owe money to comes calling.
Do Embrace Technology
Humphrey Smith, the infamous owner of Samuel Smiths, gained notoriety by banning mobile phones and swearing from his bars. I am not such a luddite. A great pub should have the best Wi-Fi, charging stations for phones and someone capable of running a well-maintained social media presence. ( I have come down against ordering apps, see below).
Don’t use ordering apps or QR codes
During the pandemic this became the must have solution to allow pubs to operate. Frictionless contact, I believe they call it. However, in my great pub I am taking them out. You can still order at the bar or at the table. But the interaction with the staff is such an intimate moment that is part of the theatre. Whether its advice on what to order or just general banter it must be preserved. Ordering apps encourage people to get their phones out. So, it’s a big no to Quick Response codes (bonus point if you knew what it stood for).
Do Focus on Sound and Light
Sound and light are two of our important sensory experiences. Multiple television screens hooked up to a surround sound system, distracting us with a tickertape of Gillette Soccer Saturday. Music played at decibel shredding levels. Light should subtly change throughout the day. Bright enough to read the paper during the day, but kinder later for those seeking to charm a new partner, dimming the lights to a seductive glow.
Do Have Little Snacks
I think a great pub should have a solid line up of snacks. Not quite sure I buy in to Orwell’s liver sausage sandwich. A carefully curated line up of flavoured crisps and one or two blasts from the past like Scampi Fries. A great pub should also occasionally provide surprises from the kitchen, maybe sausage rolls at half time, or pakora on a Saturday evening. I stop short of oysters though, as I can remember one occasion where that went terribly wrong.
Don’t Have Quizzes
I try to imagine what George Orwell would have made of the pub quiz. Here was a highly intellectual man who viewed the pub as somewhere to momentarily escape the harshness of life. He wouldn’t have wanted to be ruled over by an amateur quizmaster. So, it’s a no from me on the pub quiz, if you need it Bradley Walsh is on every night.
Do Have a Beer Garden
If you have the space, then have a carefully though through outdoor strategy. Not just a bunch of chairs haphazardly set on the car park. Let your imagination go, flowers and maybe some street art. It should have either an enticing view or a hidden gem, but not polluted by car emissions.
So that is my updated contribution to the never-ending pursuit of the Orwellian attempt to discover the perfect pub.
PS. A good friend of mine Susan Young, editor of the Dram adds another one. Make sure people can read the menu, no one likes to take a miners head torch to the pub.
Johnny GG